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Have you ever found yourself unexpectedly drawn to someone else, even while you're in a committed relationship or marriage? It's a confusing and often overwhelming experience that can make you question the strength of your current partnership. But these feelings don't always mean your relationship is failing or not worth it anymore. Instead, they can be a doorway to self-discovery, helping you recognize how you've changed over time.
As our lives evolve and we're faced with increasing demands, our needs and desires shift in ways we might not expect or immediately notice. No relationship, including our marriages, automatically keeps up with the changing needs. This leaves us open to having having many needs left initially unmet in our marriages while being met by others of our marriage.
In this article, we explore the struggle of facing our forbidden desires and offer practical guidance on managing the arising emotions without compromising your relationship.
Understanding Why We Develop Feelings for Someone Else While in a Relationship
Developing feelings for someone else while in a relationship is a natural part of being human. The allure of novelty and attraction is deeply rooted in both biology and psychology, so it is very normal to be drawn to both of them. Experiencing these feelings isn't inherently problematic; it's how we choose to respond to them that matters.
Often these emotions arise when we receive attention or appreciation from someone outside the marriage in a way that feels new or more exciting than what we're used to from our partner. Perhaps someone at work or in your social circle seems to "get" you in a way your partner doesn't anymore. This attention feels invigorating and can signal that an unrecognized need is being met outside your relationship.
Workplace Attractions: A Common Scenario
You're not alone in experiencing these feelings. According to a 2019 survey by CareerBuilder, approximately 36% of workers have dated a coworker at some point in their careers, and about 30% of these relationships led to marriage. While not all workplace relationships are extramarital affairs, the data highlights how common it is to develop attraction with colleagues.
The workplace often becomes a breeding ground for attraction because of the significant amount of time spent together. You share daily interactions, collaborate on projects, and experience mutual successes. This consistent engagement can fulfill needs for recognition and appreciation that may be lacking at home, especially when life's demands pull you and your partner in different directions.
The Impact of Acting on These Feelings
Choosing to entertain or act on these feelings can lead to a mix of emotions like confusion, justification, shame, guilt, embarrassment, fear, and even temporary elation. Trust can erode, and not only do we experience personal turmoil, but we also risk damaging our partner and everything we've built together over time. Even if you think no one will ever know, the truth always leaks out at some point and destroys reputations, having lifelong consequences.
Extramarital affairs, especially those that being in the workplace, can have profound consequences. Studies published in the Institute for Family Studies indicate that about 20% of men and 13% of women reported having sex with someone other than their spouse while married. These affairs can lead to significant strain on marriages, often resulting in marital conflict of divorce.
Beyond personal relationships, workplace affairs can impact careers:
Professional Reputation: Such affairs can damage your professional standing and credibility.
Career Advancement: Perceptions of favoritism may hinder career growth for both parties.
Legal and HR Consequences: Many organizations have policies against workplace relationships, risking disciplinary actions or termination.
Team Dynamics: Affairs can disrupt team cohesion and morale, affecting overall productivity.
The Impact on Your Relationship
When desires go unaddressed, they can create emotional distance and undermine the trust that holds your relationship together. Secret feelings often lead to dishonesty, damaging the emotional connection with your partner. The longer these feelings remain hidden, the harder it becomes to rebuild the trust that forms the foundation of your committed relationship.
Forbidden desires also draw energy and attention away from your relationship. As emotional or physical detachment sets in, it can further strain your connection, creating an ugly self-fulfilling cycle where the allure of the forbidden becomes even more tempting and satiating. This makes it easier to justify chasing after these desires, believing they will provide something your relationship can't.
It's crucial to recognize how these desires might impact your relationship's emotional intimacy and communication with your partner—and take action before more damage is done. Addressing these feelings appropriately becomes the priority in avoiding long-term harm and restoring connection with your partner.
Recognizing Your Feelings
The first step to navigating forbidden desires without damaging your marriage is to acknowledge and be honest with yourself about what you are feeling. Instead of shaming yourself, suppressing, or denying those feelings, give yourself the time and space for genuine self-reflection.
Consider asking yourself:
Are you feeling emotionally more fulfilled by coworkers or friends than you spouse?
Note: this may be a sign that there are deeper issues in your marriage that need to be addressed.
Are stress or life pressures affecting your need for increased connection and support from your partner?
Is there something specific missing in your relationship that perhaps didn't matter before but now is important?
Have you or your partner become more distracted by other responsibilities, pulling you away from each other?
Are you missing regular communication or quality time with each other, like weekly date nights or daily conversations?
Do you and your partner have enough time together to fill those needs effectively?
Life will never stop changing, and as we evolve, our needs change too—often without us realizing it. Moments like feeling attracted to someone else can highlight these unaddressed needs. Before acting on these feelings, reflect on what they're teaching you about yourself. What do they reveal about needs you didn't know you had or that your partner may not be away of?
Before You Communicate With Your Partner
Opening up to your partner about these feelings can be tough, especially when you're feeling shame or worried about their reaction. But honesty is key to moving forward. However, honesty goes beyond just sharing what's on your mind or focusing on unmet needs.
Sometimes, it's about admitting that life's demands have pulled you away from the relationship, leaving little time or energy for connection. This lack of connection at home can make it easier to develop feelings for someone you spend most of your waking time with, like a coworker. Recognizing that your busy lifestyle has distanced you from each other is an important step.
You may need to acknowledge that your plates are too full. It's important to remove distractions, prioritize your relationship, and find new ways to reignite the spark and refresh your connection.
Taking Action
Create Space for Open Dialogue
Now that you've gained clarity on your feelings, it's time to reconnect with your partner in a way that's productive and positive.
Choose the right moment: Find a time when you're both calm and free from distractions. This could be during a quiet evening together or a relaxed weekend afternoon.
Express Your Desire to Reconnect: Let your partner know that you want to strengthen your relationship. Use gentle, non-accusatory language.
Ask for Their Input: Encourage a two-way conversation by asking how you can support each other better.
Focus on Positive Communication
Frame the conversation around mutual growth rather than blame.
Use "I" Statements: Express your feelings and needs without assigning fault. For example, "I miss spending quality time with you" or "I feel we haven't connected lately."
Avoid Comparison: Refrain from saying things like, "Why can't you talk to me the way so-and-so does?" This can make your partner feel inadequate and defensive.
Listen Actively: Give your partner the space to share their thoughts and feelings. Listen without interrupting or becoming defensive. Stay patient, as both of you may be processing complex emotions.
Reignite Emotional Intimacy
Invest time in activities that you both enjoy and are fulfilled by to rebuild your connection.
Schedule Regular Date Night: Prioritize spending time together doing things you love.
Engage in Shared Hobbies: Find or rediscover activities you both enjoy.
Be Present: Put away distractions like phones or work during your time together.
Adjust Priorities
Evaluate your commitments and consider reducing activities that take time away from your relationships.
Set Boundaries with Work, Outside Obligations, Others: Ensure you're not overextending yourself.
Make Conscious Choices: Choose to prioritize your relationship when scheduling your time.
Important Caveat
We cannot say in your specific circumstance whether you should or shouldn't talk about the attraction directly with your spouse. Sometimes it is appropriate to do so and sometimes it is not. If this is a topic you are struggling with, consider these few principles:
If these feelings have been acted upon in any way with the other person, full disclosure becomes critical.
If these feelings have been persistent and consistent over a long period of time (more than 6 months), either towards a single person or towards multiple people, it might be important to disclose to your spouse what is going on, but you may want to consult with a therapist before doing so to help protect your spouse in the circumstance as well.
If these feelings have been very intermittent or fleeting (like finding someone attractive as they walk by, but you don't see them often/ever again, and you aren't ruminating on them), then you can probably focus on fixing your relationship.
If you still aren't sure what to do, then consult with a quality therapist. Be fully honest and open with them about your struggles, and explore together what the best path might be for both you and your spouse.
Remember that every relationship is different and will have different needs, so whether you fully disclose your feelings or not to your spouse has to be carefully considered rather than falling back on a simple formula.
Conclusion
Experiencing forbidden desires or attraction outside of your marriage or committed relationship is common and doesn't mean your relationship is over. Instead, it can be a catalyst for conversation, positive change, and deeper connection. It can help you reignite the passion and depth in your marriage.
By acknowledging your feelings, reflecting on your needs, and openly communication with your partner, you can navigate this challenging situation and strengthen your relationship.
Remember, relationships require continuous effort and adaptation. Embrace the opportunity to grow together, and you'll build a more resilient and fulfilling relationship that meets both your evolving needs.
Note
If you find it challenging to navigate these feelings on your own, consider seeking support from a professional counselor or contact us today to schedule your free consultation.
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