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How to Improve Communication in a Neurodiverse Marriage: Our Personal Story

Writer's picture: Karyl VassilarosKaryl Vassilaros

Updated: Oct 9, 2024

When communicating with each other, neurodiverse partners will often misunderstand their partner as if their partner is speaking a foreign language.
Neurodiverse couples struggle to understand each other.

As a neurodiverse couple ourselves—my husband is both ASD and ADHD, while I am neurotypical—we understand how rewarding and challenging this journey can be. The way each of us thinks, feels, and communicates can be vastly different, and that's okay.


Embracing these differences and finding ways to bridge the gap is not easy, no matter how practiced you are, but it is key to building a strong and thriving relationship that both partners can feel comfortable and successful in. Here's what we've learned about navigating the unique challenges of neurodiverse marriages and how you can communicate better with your partner too.


As a neurodiverse couple, your communication styles will differ drastically, including what you expect and need from the conversation.
Neurodiverse Couple Trying to Communicate

Understanding Each Other's Communication Styles: From Our Experience


One of the biggest challenges in our marriage has been how differently we process and communicate information. For example, my husband, who is on the autism spectrum and has ADHD, sometimes communicates in a way that feels disorganized and impulsive to me. Meanwhile, I tend to prefer more direct, structured communication, which can be overwhelming for him at times.


These differences have, of course, led to misunderstandings and frustration. But we've learned that with patience and empathy, wean understand each other better and build bridges.


We've learned that there's no right or wrong way to communicate, or rather his way or my way is not better than the other. Our styles are just different. By making the effort to truly understand each other's natural ways of expressing ourselves, we've been able to reduce a lot of tension.


You will come to know each other better than anyone else and the effort pays off.
Talking openly as a neurodiverse couple comes with challenges, but it is practice and commitment that sets the stage for future ease and success.

For us, this means talking openly about what we need: I need direct language, while my husband benefits from a gently reminders or having an extra moment to process things.


It's all about being honest about how you communicate and what works for you as well as knowing what works for your partner.


It is not about insisting that you do not adjust your techniques or approach to communication simply because you know what works for you or your partner, but it does allow you to have more information and ability to discover how you can approach communication more effectively and feel more satisfied.


Practical Tips for Better Communication


Note: We've found that discussing any new approaches before trying them out will help a lot. It makes sure we're both on the same page, and no one feels lost or overwhelmed when something, like how you communicate, changes.


Here are some ideas for practicing and improving communication in a neurodiverse marriage.



Make conversations official with each other, putting it on your planner or calendar so you both know when to talk.
Schedule time to talk about difficult conversations.

Schedule Time for Important Conversations

  • It's common for neurodivergent individuals to need time to mentally prepare for a discussion, especially one involving emotions.

  • Setting aside a specific time for important conversions and allows both partners to be ready and focused. It also reduces the chance of

    overwhelm, which can derail productive communication.



When we write out our thoughts and feelings, we can find it easier to share those thoughts without feeling overwhelmed or overwhelming our partner.
Write out your thoughts and feelings ahead of time.

Use Visual Cues or Written Notes

  • Sometimes, verbal communication can feel overwhelming or too abstract. Using visual aids or writing down thoughts can keep both partners on the same page.

  • Writing things out can also provide a reference point when emotions run high, ensuring that neither partner forgets key points.

  • Additionally, using emails to communicate difficult topics or thoughts can be helpful when face-to-face conversations become too overwhelming or complex. This allows both partners to process their feelings and responses at their own pace.



Active listening is not just about repeating their words but finding ways to deliberately understand their words.
Being an active listener helps our partner feel heard and understood.

Practice Active Listening

  • Neurodivergent individuals can sometimes struggle with staying engaged during long conversations, or even conversations that feel heated or confusing.

  • It's important to the partnership to practice active listening—that means repeating back what your partner has said to make sure you understand correctly, and resisting the urge to interrupt.

  • If one of you tends to get lost during emotional conversations, try breaking things into smaller, more manageable discussions.



Sharing emotions in a neurodiverse relationship is challenging when one partner feels surprised by the emotion, prompting them to respond in ways it defeats the other person. Creating a space and a practice of emotional sharing, provides both partners with a space for success.
Create a safe space to share emotions.

Create Safe Spaces for Emotional Expression

  • In our marriage, having a safe space to express ourselves without fear of judgment has been crucial. We've set up rules that help us, like agreeing to take a pause in difficult conversations so that neither of us reacts when we are feeling triggered or defensive.

  • We also try to frame conversations as moments for emotional expression rather OR as a problem-solving conversation.

  • This helps us know what the other person needs—sometimes it's just about being heard. Finding these safe ways to share has really helped us built trust and feel more connected and heard.

  • By doing this, we are creating a space, not just for emotional expression and sharing, but a space for success for both of us.



Creating and establishing signals ahead of time is a way to create a unified vocabulary with understood definitions, rules, and responses.
Agree on communication signals or code words to help each other succeed with each other.

Agree on Communication Signals

  • Sometimes, it's helpful to establish non-verbal cues or code words for when one partner is feeling overwhelmed or needs a break.

  • Neurodiverse individuals often experience sensory overload or anxiety and neurotypical partners often feel overwhelmed by the challenges of talking through the differences and confusion.

  • Having a pre-established way to communicate that they need space can prevent escalation.



Forgiveness is not just putting up with things, but providing the space to be imperfect and to grow without building up resentment.
Practice Frequent Forgveness

Practice Frequent Forgiveness

  • Being in a neurodiverse marriage is tough and both parties will make mistakes regularly.

  • Allow space for both of you to work towards a better place by accepting that while both parties will stumble and cause pain to each other, you don't need to compound it by becoming resentful.

  • Forgive each other for these inevitable mistakes and it will smooth the path for each of you.



It is valuable to not expect perfectionism, but to provide the space to adjust to each other and grow as individuals within a marriage.
Be okay without being perfect.

Stop With the Perfectionism

  • The idea of perfectionism—also known as expectation—will make marriage impossible even for neurotypical partners.

  • Perfectionism requires judgment for everything that does not feel like it measures up, whether it does or not.

  • Letting life simply be functional and sufficient prevents the trap of perfectionism and the frustration that follows it.



Neurodiverse marriages are challenging because they do not function the way we expect. This is an opportunity to uncover what works for each other as partners and to come together as a couple.
Growing together as a neurodiverse couple takes different work than neurotypical marriages.

Growing Together as a Neurodiverse Couple


Neurodiverse marriages are unique, and that uniqueness is what makes them special. We've learned that improving communication means constantly learning and being willing to adjust as we grow together.


The key is to stay empathetic, patient, and open—traits that have helped us immensely. Every effort we make to understand and support each other is an investment in the health of our marriage.


By embracing each person's difference, whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, we've been able to build a partnership that continue to improve for both of us.


The journey may not always be easy, but the strength you build through deliberate effort to bridge the gaps, is deeply rewarding and is an investment in the health of your marriage.


Ultimately, a successful neurodiverse marriage thrives on consistent communication, empathy, and the willingness to keep learning about one another. By working together, respecting each other's differences, and involving each other in the process of change, you can built a partnership that is not only resilient but also deeply enriching for both of you.


Conclusion

If you're finding it challenging to navigate the complexities of a neurodiverse marriage, know that you're not alone. My husband and I have faced many of these same struggles, and we've come out stronger by learning to communicate better, be empathetic, and embrace our differences. We believe that every couple deserves support in their journey, especially when it comes to understanding each other's unique needs.


If you need help or want to explore how to improve your relationship further, our marriage services are here for you. Whether you need coaching, guidance, or just someone who understands your challenges, we're ready to support you on your path to a healthier, happier marriage.


Remember, your marriage is worth the effort, and you're not alone in wanting to make it thrive.


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