Thriving Together: Mastering Functioning in Neurodiverse Marriages
- Karyl Vassilaros
- Oct 15, 2024
- 8 min read
Executive functioning has been one of the biggest challenges in our marriage. It's not just about the skills—it's about the ability to plan, organize, manage time, and regulate emotions within the context of our relationship.
In a neurodiverse marriage, this means working together to bridge the gap between our different ways of processing and responding to the world. My spouse, who has ASD and ADHD, operates with what is called "interest" brain—driven by what grabs his interest, whereas I, as a neurotypical, have an "importance" brain—driving me to act upon what my brain deems important and a priority. This fundamental difference requires us to put in extra effort to align our decision-making and actions we take as individuals and as partners. This creates a glaring issue because adequate communication is required to bridge this gap and communication in a neurodiverse relationship is a gap in and of itself.
The Role of Subconscious vs. Conscious Processing in Neurodiverse Relationships
For neurotypical partners, it can be especially challenging because so much of decision-making happens subconsciously.
Neuroscientist Dr. Gerald Zaltman has highlighted that the vast majority of decision-making occurs without our conscious awareness, meaning that most of what we do is automatic, based on past experiences and learned patterns (Zaltman, 2003). Further, neuroscientific research, like the fMRI studies by John-Dylan Haynes, has shown that the brain often makes decisions before we become consciously aware of them—sometimes up to 7-10 seconds before (Haynes, 2007).
The Science Behind Decision-Making Differences
This means that, as neurotypical partners, we often rely on subconscious cues to navigate our interactions. We often do not consciously process, with words or clarity, why we make the choices we make. We intuit life, flow through it, and trust our subconscious to guide us reliably enough.
In short, we don't have to explain to ourselves why we do what we do—only taking time to understand it when reflecting back on our experiences.
In a neurodiverse relationship, this is where the gap starts. I can't tell you how many times we've talked with other couples who share the same frustration of having to explain everything to their neurodivergent spouse. The say it feels like their spouse isn't paying attention or doesn't care as much. For them, having to explain in detail why a decision was made or why something needs to be done, becomes mentally exhausting and slows life down, making it feel like they are swimming through tar. The need to dig into our actions this way, as a neurotypical causes us to question ourselves and feel unstable or extremely frustrated. It forces us to articulate reasoning too early in the process.
We often need time to experience how choices play out to reach a deeper understanding of not only ourselves, but others in the process. If we have to explain too early, we have not had time to pull together the right information to feel confident about our thoughts, ideas, and reasons. This is a huge shift from the automatic, effortless decision-making that typically governs the actions of neurotypical individuals.
The Demanding Experience of Neurodiverse Marriages | Dual-Process Theory: System 1 and System 2
The dual-process theory of decision-making, as described by psychologist Daniel Kahneman, further illustrates this challenge (Kahneman, 2011).
Most of our decisions fall under System 1—fast, automatic, and subconscious. But in a neurodiverse marriage, System 2—slow, effortful, and conscious—often needs to step in to make sense of what's happening and to facilitate effective communication. This shift from automatic processing to deliberate, conscious effort is what makes executive functioning in a neurodiverse relationship so demanding.
I cannot tell you how often I have had to find every possible way to explain something to my husband, only to have him look at me still feeling lost or missing the point of what I wanted him to understand. Movement in our marriage is slow and I have to allow for that gap because we process so differently.
Not About A Lack of Love or Commitment | Understanding Executive Functioning in Neurodiverse Relationships
Executive functioning is basically the "control center" of our brains. It helps us with things like remembering to pay bills, following through on promises, and sticking to schedules. In my marriage, I've seen firsthand how executive functioning challenges can mean one of us forgets something, has trouble switching between activities, or finds it super overwhelming to stay engaged in complex tasks. It's not just about forgetfulness, procrastination, or not caring as much—it's really about how our brains are wired to process information and respond to stress.
Conditions like ADHD, ASD, or other forms of neurodivergence can really impact how executive functioning skills not only develop, but play out throughout life. For neurodivergent individuals, these challenges are often a "head thing" first and foremost—it's about how their brain is wired, not a lack of love or commitment.
Recognizing these traits exist in our marriage has helped both my husband and I to pause judgment and hopelessness as we try to better understand each other and how we both our able to engage with life. This has been a game-changer for our communication and connection. I will say, it makes it easier emotionally, but it does not mean it is easy overall. It still takes more time than I like sometimes, but it has allowed us to make progress as a couple and to bridge gaps that once seemed impossible.
Remembering that these challenges are rooted in brain function rather than emotional intent is key.
Common Executive Functioning Challenges and Their Impact on Neurodiverse Relationships
When executive functioning challenges pop up, they can lead to misunderstandings and high-level frustrations. I won't lie—there have been times when I felt like I'm carrying more of the load when it comes to household duties or making sure things get done on time. I often tell my husband that I feel like if I am not driving things, they won't get done or won't stay managed.
On the flip side, my husband often feels guilty or inadequate for not meeting expectations, even though it's a cognitive struggle and not about a lack of effort or love.
This dynamic can create a cycle where both of us feel unloved, or unlovable, unheard, or inadequate. What's helped us it shifting our mindset from blaming each other—to understanding each other. When we remember these challenges are an executive functioning struggle and not personal failings, we are able to reframe our expectations, not only of our spouse, but of ourselves— opening the door to finding ways to support each other better while striving to fulfill our unmet needs.
Building Understanding and Connection in Neurodiverse Marriages
The foundation of a successful neurodiverse marriage is all about empathy and teamwork. Here are a few things that have helped us tackle the executive functioning challenges together:
Communicate Openly: Honest, compassionate communication is huge. Instead of seeing our differences as shortcomings or failings, we treat them as personal barriers and shared challenges. We talk about what tasks are hard for each of us and brainstorm solutions as a team. Sometimes that means I am having to articulate what I am feeling about what needs to be done or how my husband can help. Sometimes that means my husband is lost and overwhelmed and doesn't know where to start. Over the course of several years, we have developed a system where the home functions without me having to declare everything I want done and where he has a formula that he can apply daily without having to fight through his executive functioning.
Use External Tools for Support: Digital tools have been a lifesaver for us. We use shared calendars, a shared shopping app, to-do list apps, and reminders to take some pressure off of the partner who struggles with executive functioning. We've also created consistent routines that help reduce stress and give us a sense of control over our day-to-day lives. While I love spontaneity and movement, routines allow me to rely on certain things being consistently done, while it allows me husband to not feel lost and be able to stay engaged.
Reframe Expectations: One of the biggest lessons we've learned is to reframe our expectations. Instead of "everyone should contribute how we expect them to," we've taken the approach that everyone contributes how they can. For example, when divvying up the household chores, we list everything that needs to be done and each volunteer to do what we want to do. Once we have divided those up, we look at what is left and we figure out how to get those things done, either together or uniquely.
We have discovered that we can both stretch into things reasonably, but not unrealistically because we both have limits to time and ability. When we come across something that neither of us can reasonably handle or accomplish, we look outside ourselves and decide if we can change something, whether it is to reduce what demands we have in our home and life, or if we can find someone who can help us out.
Practice Patience and Compassion: It's so important to remember that neurodivergence isn't a choice, and neither are the executive functioning challenges that come with it. We've made a point to practice compassion, both towards each other and ourselves. We try to remember to celebrate the small wins and acknowledge progress when it happens, no matter how small. This is helping us to stay connected and resilient.
I still have my days where it seems impossible to communicate with my husband. I still have my moments where I want to push past my own limits and just get things done without bringing my husband into the process because I do not have the words or energy to explain things to him. But, I can say that being in a neurodiverse marriage has taught me many things, not least of all honesty with myself and patience with the processes we all go through.
Strengths of Neurodiverse Partnerships
While executive functioning challenges can be tough, I truly believe neurodiverse marriages come with amazing strengths. My partner's neurodivergence brings stability to my world that I could not get otherwise. Because of his strengths and his needs, we have been able to bring fresh perspectives to each other, develop creative problem-solving skills, and have a deeper sense of empathy—qualities that make our marriage richer.
By embracing each other's differences, we've created a relationship where we both feel valued and supported. The strength of neurodiverse marriages often lies in that diversity of though, resilience, and creativity that comes from needing to stretch into someone else's world.
Moving Forward: Navigating Executive Functioning in Neurodiverse Marriages
No marriage is without its challenges. Addressing executive functioning in neurodiverse marriages takes patience, teamwork, willingness, and consistent effort, but the rewards of building a strong partnership are so worth it.
If you're facing similar challenges, reaching out to a counselor who understands neurodiverse dynamics can be really helpful. Professional support can give you additional tools and strategies to manage the challenges and help you thrive in marriage. It's not easy, but with understanding and the right support, a neurodiverse marriage can be incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
If you are interested in working with us, click here and see how we can help starting today.
Sources:
Zaltman, G. (2003). How Customers Think: Essential Insights into the Mind of the Market. Harvard Business Press.
Haynes, J.-D. (2007). Decoding mental states from brain activity in humans. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 8(7), 523-534.
Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast and Slow. Farrar, Straus and Giroux.
Comments